Friday, June 02, 2023

(Almost) One Year Later

 I guess nothing would really change for me. Last year I took a new job in a company I used to work for (as hired labor, sort of).  Amazingly, all I do until now is the same old job I did for my previous company. The story is just the same as usual: long hours of work, thankless efforts, a little bit more of money, and lack of recognition. Today, while the rest of my colleagues are out there travelling, I am stuck here, staring at (mostly) empty chairs. You know, when the decision to include me in the event or not came in the dead seconds of the eleventh hour. Anyway, I feel I would be too tired to really enjoy the ride. In fact, I feel too tired to do anything this time, even a day off or two could not do much.

Friday, July 01, 2022

Old and New (Actually Sideways)

Finally, it happens, After ten years and a half (minus one year of fence hopping, another one half effectively unemployed) I step out of the door. After spending the last four months knocking at the doors, I finally get an open one, actually not far off the fence, another hopping. It's funny how I used to sit down there some times ago, how I have been asked to cross several times, and then tried to knock that same door, twice.I almost believe the door has been closed for good. But I believe it will happen eventually, if it's really meant to be. Still, it's gonna be a brand new day, maybe the last stop. Sometimes the one thing you have been looking for is actually right in front of you the whole time.

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Another Year Lost

 Here comes another year, I barely noticed. Everything has changed so fast and drastic, somehow it becomes normal, a new normal so they said. Life still goes on while I have to stand still, even pushed backward. I still can't believe that everything that happened these past two years, and somehow I'm still here, barely survived. I have lost my job, friends, family members, self esteem, and dignity, or what's left of it. Maybe enough to prepare me for another lost year. Nothing will surprise me from now on. We are all just waiting in line after all... ( and life is just another drinking session, it is said)

Saturday, July 31, 2021

No End in Sight (Yet)

So here we are again, back to square one. Death is no longer invisible, staring right at your eyes. We all know it's inevitable, that it will come, we just never guess how close. When your breath feels hard, no smell can be found, count back the days you have spent. Close your eyes and think about the blessings all the way back, and take a deep breath as if it's your last one. Breathe, just breathe. Maybe you'll see tomorrow as the greatest day of your life. Live it one day at a time, because the end is nowhere in sight, yet.

Saturday, January 23, 2021

What Have I Done to Deserve This?

 Nothing, really. In fact, I have done more than I should, sacrifice more than I could. And then, our of the blue, the winter is coming. No precautions, no warning signs, just the calm before the storm. I can take it, but maybe, the others can't, and deservedly so. Nowadays, loyalty means laziness, unwillingness to change, or rejection to move from one's comfort zone. Ever hear of an old saying that a captain never leaves the sinking ship? We make mistakes by assuming that we all are the captain of the ship. All this time we are trapped inside this bubble, while our ship is sinking, right into the ocean's bottom. Whether the ocean is red or blue doesn't matter now. We still hope the bubble will eventually floats, instead it cracks and blow suddenly before our eyes. It's too late to try to swim back up or try to find the saving device. 

Tuesday, January 05, 2021

It's 20-21, or just 11-12?

 A new year, yet stay the same. No one expected 2020 to be so bleak. An outbreak with no end in sight, especially in this country, where the people safety is not the top priority. A completely wrong policy to handle the pandemi caused prolonged suffer. We become tired of limitations, while the disease spreads faster than ever. The national lockdown is not existed, local lockdowns are useless, and finally, we are left to our own devices. It' feels like a queue to the great beyond, we just wait for our turns to come, with no knowledge of where we stand. Well, at least we will get vaccination for free, right? Well, back to the queue my dear. There's no guarantee if we are going to make it. Hope time will prove me wrong.

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Nine Years

 It's been nine years since my last step into the workplace. We've had some ups and downs, mostly downs these last years. At least, my work laptop can confirm it, along with the scratch and cracks on its body. This time, I celebrate it in isolation, considering the turmoil around. Going back in time, I remember having no expectation about my future, lest alone my career. And that's exactly what I get. A path that going nowhere and question marks in every turn of the track. Here's to another nine years ahead.

Monday, April 06, 2020

From a Distancing

The plague has arrived, close your house, keep your distance, put on your mask, wash your hands, and pray for the best. After the dive, it's time for a lockdown, or whatever it's called. For some of us, to stay at home is a relief, a chance to reconnect to the family, for other ones, it means a dead end, the loss of income, and a path to a bleak future. But for me, the real threat is to our humanity, our sociality, and our recognition of the vulnerability of life. We also learn about leadership, especially in a time of crisis. I've been through a number of crisis myself in the last couple of years, but not alike this time. A crisis of this magnitude keeps me thinking of whether we can get out of it, when, and what it's gonna be after. Always hope for the best, prepare for the worst, I guess.

Wednesday, April 01, 2020

New Year's Dive

This year starts with a tide... a tidal wave. Nonstop rain during the new year's eve finally send water inside my house. One month later, it happens again. And there goes my good night sleeps.Every time it rains, my eyes just could not close. My heart beats faster, my mind keeps counting down the rain drops, my lips pray for it not lasts. My mind writes a list of things that must be moved to keep them from drowning. Every second counts and every rain drop means agony, every look out of window for early signs of flood.

Monday, December 30, 2019

The Fountain (of Youth)

In life, seriously, only one thing is sure, that's death. Death can come suddenly, or slowly ascending through disease, or from the court of justice. Death is inevitable, but no one, or maybe most of us, don't want to face it sooner, we even discouraged to commit suicide. Some of us even treat death as another form of disease, that must be cured. We want to live forever, or as long as it can be. Even after death, we always we wonder what will happen to our soul. In (most) religions we are told about the concept of afterlife and judgment day, heaven and hell. In another religion, there is a concept of rebirth and reincarnation. Is death really the end of our existence? Or death is just another phase of life itself? Like a star that comes to extinction, turn to black hole, then supernova, blast into a big bang, and eventually give birth to a new star (or even a whole new galaxy). Can we finally conquer our fear of death (and our sadness of our beloved one's death) by embracing it?