Friday, July 25, 2008

It's Never Easy to Be Me

When there's someone who ask you about your future, what would you answer? If that one person is the one who put you where you are today, would you dare to tell him the truth? That you just run away from one obligation to another? That you're just playing your cheap trick, just for the rest of your life? That you just live your life and see what's happen?.

I always ask myself the same question every single day of my life. And still I have to live it. My life has always been the same pattern, though in a different place with a different role. It's a hard life, as it should be. Guess I never grow old, just aging, and always wonder where I'll be tomorrow. Live by myself, I can never let someone else into it. When I look back to those times, I think nobody can ever come that close.

Nothing I can do that seems matter. I can do computer, but no particular title. I can write, but cannot manage to publish it. I can never force myself to make it, lack of incentives make me lazy, and vice versa. I studied industrial engineering for 10 years and never seem to get it. Now I study all over again, for another thing. I cannot connect anything from my past and I don't know where it's going. Once again, I'm standing in the middle of nowhere.

I believe that every episode of my miserable life was meant to be and there is no slight chance to change it back to normal. It's all connected in one or another way. It's hard to imagine my life the other way around. Maybe living life normally, getting a steady (and respectable) job, maybe start a family somewhere. But I'm past it all.