Drifting Apart: Mind Your Own Business!

Start as 20-men (and women) trooper, with high hopes of some "dream team" or
"supergroup", yes it's always short-lived. When the hype is over, turns
out that the management is just another "mismanagement" and the
ambitious project is dead before taking off. Now, we are miles apart,
Jogja, Bandung, Karlsruhe, with our own business, just not enough time
for each other. The management is now less enthusiastic, keep
pressuring the rest of us. The crisis is here, the budget is tight, so
we are the victims, the lowest part of the food chain. Now, I can't
care much of it either. I'm too old for this shit. I'm not even a
leader, just an poor old lonesome internet addict.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This...

It seems like German is just another dream. The scholarship we get is getting stricter, no money will come out automatically. When my motivation is waning, all we get is more and more bad news. The living cost will be linked to the theses progress. Guess they never know anything about capital cost. Our journey abroad is cut from three to two months, talking about justice. We officially become second-class citizen on this program. While some of our colleagues get 20 months period and full scholarship, we get 18 months, not-so-full scholarship, and only 2 months abroad. I have a bad feeling about this. Just when I failed to pass the big 5 pageant, I got a feeling that the rest of us would never get abroad after all. And it's all because this program and the management just suck, big time.

Free Falling

Have you ever think your life was nothing more than a complete failure? I see failure as something we don't see appropriate. But then, appropriate is relative. Of course, my life has been a complete mess ever since the new millennium, no second opinion. The way I see it, there was some episodes in my life connecting to another part, that my failures lead to (some) success in the past. But nothing was more amazed me than what I have been through last year. Just when you think you're back to the right path, you've suddenly brought up from miseries, they drop you just like that, from the height. Does that sound hurting? Your bones should be crushing to dust. I've been through many failures and misfits, one more could not kill me. But still, this one's different. I hope, sometimes in the future I could look back and see this as just another part of my life, or at least the way it should be. So, call me suicidal if I don't give a damn about the rest of this journey. I'll just try to shallow my pride, if there's any left.

Can You Really Plan Your Life?

Honestly... Can someone really plan their life in details, when to finish school, where to work, who's gonna be the sibling, how many kids to have, when to retire, and finally when they gonna die? Sounds ridiculous? Well, some of us think we should have one, or even MUST. I used to think the same way, but looking back now, I can see that my life has been planned by somebody else. Or should I say SOMEBODY up there? Nothing in my life went the way I planned, entirely the opposite way. It is still too early to conclude whether it's just the way it should be, or I just have a fucked-up fate. The wise men always say, just do your best to execute your plan, but in the end it's always something wrong. And I couldn't agree more than that. The way I see it, I want to take care of my own fate, as I am too old to screw it worse than I already have.

Wonderous Sories... But Not Yours

From the way I saw it, the last year (well, 10 months actually) has been a wondrous journey to me. I can never imagine it happens, like seven years ago when I completely broke down. Got kicked out of school, no degree, no job, no money, nothing. The degree I finally earned feels nothing more than a consolation. But when that invitation letter came, and suddenly I was back in the spotlight. Here I was, thirty something, been in the worst situation (dropout, fired), with nowhere to go.  This program I joined was supposed to be a dream project to make a string of well-educated, international quality person to help building this country. Well, you know that it was the idea, the reality is far from that. A lot of frictions and complications came along, and this program is dead on arrival. I made it into the Top 10, but smashed into the bottom rank in the final tally. I still cannot figure out why, the final process is so secretive as though national security matter. Well, my story is over now, it's now the stories of the chosen five candidates to complete this program. As far as I'm concerned, this program is nowhere but oer for the rest of us. Until the time to collect the consolation prize, three months euro trip.

Wishful Thinking

Did you ever get into this situation where you feel you don't deserve it? Either good or bad? I feel my life has been in that situation, alternatively. Well, I used to think my life cannot get worse than it is. Just now I've got a chance to proof something, at least to myself that I'm not (completely)a failure, that my life is meant to get somewhere, not just a series of unfortunate events (well, if you consider it a book or movie). At least I know now that it's not true. Here comes another dissappointment. And I must reconsider my life all over again. Back to zero point. Maybe someday I will look back to this moment (and this particular naysaying) and smile. Just Maybe...

You Give Me Nothing but the Blues

Yes, the door is closed now. My chance to get into the top five is gone. The list is set, my name is not on it. Well, maybe it's time to stop dreaming and get my feet back on the ground. Better be prepared for the final theses and enjoy the traveling bonus next year. I don't know why I fail, and I don't want to. It's just another bitter part of my miserable life, I guess.

It's Never Easy to Be Me

When there's someone who ask you about your future, what would you answer? If that one person is the one who put you where you are today, would you dare to tell him the truth? That you just run away from one obligation to another? That you're just playing your cheap trick, just for the rest of your life? That you just live your life and see what's happen?.

I always ask myself the same question every single day of my life. And still I have to live it. My life has always been the same pattern, though in a different place with a different role. It's a hard life, as it should be. Guess I never grow old, just aging, and always wonder where I'll be tomorrow. Live by myself, I can never let someone else into it. When I look back to those times, I think nobody can ever come that close.

Nothing I can do that seems matter. I can do computer, but no particular title. I can write, but cannot manage to publish it. I can never force myself to make it, lack of incentives make me lazy, and vice versa. I studied industrial engineering for 10 years and never seem to get it. Now I study all over again, for another thing. I cannot connect anything from my past and I don't know where it's going. Once again, I'm standing in the middle of nowhere.

I believe that every episode of my miserable life was meant to be and there is no slight chance to change it back to normal. It's all connected in one or another way. It's hard to imagine my life the other way around. Maybe living life normally, getting a steady (and respectable) job, maybe start a family somewhere. But I'm past it all.

One Down, Many to Go

Not so surprised when I saw my name on the top 10 list. It has been on my prediction for some times. But I never predicted my rank will be that high (2). Now I must face the ultimate judgment from the Uni-Karlsruhe authorities. Well, I still on my track I guess. There are advantages and disadvantages to be accepted or not. You will work VERY hard right after you are accepted in top 5 list to go 10 months to Karlsruhe, and I mean it HARD. You will get the prestige of course, and on the account of your other 15 friends stipends, you will be (hopefully) well-covered financially there. If you are not accepted, you will take the humiliation, back to your hometown, but still get the ultimate bonus: 3 months vacation to Germany. full-paid! This kind of mixed-up doesn't happen everyday, so whatever the results, it will still be very exciting to watch.

Forget Karlsruhe!

I should've known from the start that there is nothing like a wonderful opportunities. only hoax. This program I join is half-baked and premature. The plan to put 20 students in Universitat Karlsruhe to join the Resources Engineering Master Program is completely fail. Well, not completely actually. The University agrees to accept only 5 students to join the class. So, we screw up. How to choose 5 out of 20 is very tricky, because chosen or not, we are still very disappointed. There will be too many things to consider, subjectively and objectively. The grade (GPA, TOEFL, TPA, etc), attitude, background, combination, and still a lot of things can be added to the mixture. We may never know the real reason behind the process. So, I just hope for the worst, because my GPA is lagging behind (12th rank!), so all I can say is "Forget Karlsruhe!"

This is Bandung (ITB), Man!

Well, I don't expect too much from them, either. The first day we came in, we were faced with registration forms that confusing enough to fill, not to mention the price we must pay, that is getting bigger everyday. Several requirements are hard to fulfill and we have never been informed before. And now, the registration office is late to process and we are to blame. And then one of our lecturer said that we must be independent to become ITB student, beside attending the lecture we must do tutorial (with some assistants...what assistant?) and do research on the internet (that we can't access without password, without student registration number, etc), and stay in campus from morning to afternoon (laying on the ground or make some noises, perhaps?). We must also know our colleagues, other postgraduate students (well, maybe we must take survey for how many hours should a postgraduate student spend on campus). After all, this is ITB, not UGM, this is Bandung, not Jogja. And finally, only five of us can finish this program completely and 15 others can take vacation abroad instead. What a life!

In Sickness and Health...

As beautiful as it sounds, but in practical, it's not that beautiful. Imagine your spouse is sick, sick enough to make him/her helpless. He/she cannot stand without someone's help. But, in the other end, the sickness is hurting, so painful that makes you become someone else, someone's not as nice as you once were. People cannot stand you, as you cannot communicate in any ways possible. You need people to take care of you, but no one can stand you, isn't it ironic, don't you think?. The only person that can (and forced to) take care of you is your spouse. But, your spouse is human too. She/he can get sick, mentally and physically, and has her/his own life that needs privacy and freedom. Can you really sacrifice your life for other person and really committed to it? Are we really meant it when we say in our wedding: ...in sickness and health, till death do us part...?

You Can Live Twice...But You Only Die Once

Maybe only James Bond can live twice....:) But what I mean to say is: we can get a second chance in life, when we can only fail once in a lifetime. When you have died once, you will never feel the fear of death. If you ever kicked out of school, get fired instantly without compensation, forced to work overtime everytime without incentives, spend the whole day of your life in the streets, maybe you won't be afraid of anything. Even though your time have long passed, and your life was over as soon as you realize today,  you still have to live it. And when you relaized you're on your own, for always, and did not get to think about your future, cause when you look at your past you see that life is too unpredictable and not too enjoyable. What is it in your life that you are afraid to lose, after all it's gonna be ending soon? So, enjoy your life today while it lasts, cause good days fade so fast and only the pain remains in your future.

Answering One's Questions with Questions...

When there's someone who ask you about your future, what would you answer? If that one person is the one who put you where you are today, would you dare to tell him the truth? That you just run away from one obligation to another? That you're just playing your cheap trick, just for the rest of your life? That you just live your life and see what's happen?.

I always ask myself the same question every single day of my life. And still I have to live it. My life has always been the same pattern, though in a different place with a different role. It's a hard life, as it should be. Guess I never grow old, just aging, and always wonder where I'll be tomorrow. Live by myself, I can never let someone else into it. When I look back to those times, I think nobody can ever come that close.

Nothing I can do that seems matter. I can do computer, but no particular title. I can write, but cannot manage to publish it. I can never force myself to make it, lack of incentives make me lazy, and vice versa. I studied industrial engineering for 10 years and never seem to get it. Now I study all over again, for another thing. I cannot connect anything from my past and I don't know where it's going. Once again, I'm standing in the middle of nowhere.

I believe that every episode of my miserable life was meant to be and there is no slight chance to change it back to normal. It's all connected in one or another way. It's hard to imagine my life the other way around. Maybe living life normally, getting a steady (and respectable) job, maybe start a family somewhere. But I'm past it all.

What to Do If You Lose Your ATM Card(s)

1st: Look for it (them) again
2nd: If fails, call your bank hot lines to block it as soon as possible.
3rd: Make Lost Paper at the nearest police station
4th: Check to the nearest branch of your bank that issued your card to make sure that it's blocked
5th: Apply for the substitute card. Usually it takes your ID card, the Lost Paper, and your saving book (or latest statement)

Here is my experience when I lost four cards from 3 banks, one government bank, one private bank, and a sharia bank. (clue: they are the largest one, I suppose). I lost them in my hometown, the accounts are all opened in different cities than my hometown, and I didn't have the saving books with me (they sit well in my cupboard in my boarding room). I didn't call the hotlines and already make a lost paper at the police station.

Government Bank:
Supply your ID and your account number, and your lost card is blocked. They can help substitute my card if only I had my saving book. But then, when I requested to replace the card, the bank in jogja needed to get approval from the branch where I opened the main account first, and it takes approximately an hour to complete. Yet, the new card takes another two to activate.

Private Bank:
They ask you to call their hotline and follow the procedure (because my account is not theirs). It takes almost half an hour because the line is always busy and after that the officer keep me sitting by promoting their products as if I didn't know them yet. They can help substitute my card if only I had my saving book. Yet the block will only last for five workdays. But then, the replacement card completed in under half an hour and ready to use.

Sharia Bank:
The cards (two accounts here) are blocked in no time as you supply the account number and your card number (!). But, I must apply for substitution card in the branch where I open the account (that I would not pay a visit until the next three months).