Days Are Numbers

It has been two weeks since the course began. Back to campus is still exciting and challenging as ever, but surely different from the daily routine I used to. Now we can wake up a little late, go home a little earlier, but with an overwhelming tasks to do. If you consider the thesis, it would be a daunting task to complete. This program itself is yet intriguing. Four months in Jogja followed by four months in Bandung, then another six in Karlsruhe, Germany, and the last four to do the research and thesis. I always dream of staying in Germany, but it seems that it would be difficult enough to achieve as the life support is somewhat limited. I will have to get my own financial support to be able to do it. But as for now, it will still be a dream. In my case, I have spent a significant amount of my time for nothing, and when I am given this chance I will try to go all the way, down to the bone. Now, back to count the days, after all, days are numbers.

The Path

Sometimes you'd feel completely lost. Everything goes wrong, as if there's no tomorrow and future. You keep on asking, "What's my destiny?" Everything you've done is useless. At that time, you're on the bottom of the barrel, completely helpless. And then, suddenly, one voice whispers, the voice that you ignore all this time. "Just follow the path", the voice says. But you never noticed any path ahead. Again, the voice asked you to follow your path. Something comes inside you, get you start to walk. All of a sudden, you cannot stop walking, until now. You finally realize that the path is there, inside your heart, no one can take that away from you. You just have to walk it. The question is, when and how fast can you walk the path.

Another Crossroad

Yes, my life has taken another course. I have been accepted to the postgraduate program in Gadjah Mada University yesterday. By the end of the month I must attend the first class. The program will be held in 12 months (4 trimester) in Djokja, Bandung, and Karlsruhe (Germany). So, it's gonna be hell of the days, racing with time. I don't know where this road will take me, I just try to follow my path, keep on track.

Things Could Only Get Worse

At least from my father's perspective. Ten years in stroke, all the pain and numb condition just getting worse each day. The only organ left normal is his left hand. The head is half numb, the right hand and both feet are stiffed. God knows what makes my father scream frantically every night, making my mother sleepless and more helpless. Wish I could help them, but I can't. Everything we've done for his medication are useless, and yet life and death are in God's hand. The only thing I know is, we, at least I, have given up hope for cure or at least a good sign of healing. As long as it goes, the burden will be ours, alone, forever. Last year, my father still could pass the fast month, right through the eid proceeding. This year, it's all gone. Wondering if there's still another fast month and eid mubarak for him.

No Guarantee

One thing I learn from my life so far is that there's no guarantee in life. No guarantee that every man get what they deserve. No guarantee that one good turn deserves another. Even we can't claim paradise though we do all the good things in our entire life. When you work as hard as you can, as honest as you can, there's no guarantee you'd not be fired the next day, just like that. And we still think that life is fair, think again!

On Every Corner of the Street...

Life always surprises you. Just the other week, my father get an operation (prostate) after visiting my sister's home to celebrate my nephew and niece's birthday party. Three years ago, he got another stroke after the visit, when I got my first job. Ten years ago, he got the first stroke after talking about my cousin's wedding. You'll never guess how pain is so close to pleasure. My friend in Bandung just offered me a job last week, and today I receive a scholarship invitation from my alma mater, Gadjah Mada University, either to Bandung or Germany. I have to go through the test of course, but still it surprises me much, especially when I am in the busiest moment of my work. And in this fast month, how can there be so much things to do and so little time left?

Freedom

What can we say about freedom? Is it about the way we get it, the way we make the most of it. Can we enjoy our freedom without taking other people's freedom? Is freedom our goal or just a device to reach our one and true destiny? Is freedom really worth fighting for? After all, freedom is in our heart and mind. we breathe and live each day and think freely. Nobody can take that away.

You'll Never Know

Just the other day, my younger brother told me that his scholarship application to Japan has been approved. Not so long ago, my elder brother finally would tie the knot with his (latest) girlfriend. No fixed date yet, but it is very likely around October, after eid (my previous post). As my parents rebuild our house, there's gonna be a lot of changes around. You'll never know what's waiting in the corner, what's in store for me.

The Pressure's on Me (now)

My younger brother told me yesterday that my older brother's gonna propose next fasting month, and get married after id's day. I guess it's for the best, despite the rush. He is 36, so the timing is crucial, as the 'biological' clock is ticking... Well, more family affair coming, and when this is all over, the next shooting target will be... me. As the oldest surviving bachelor of this extended family (my mother's heritage, to be specific), to live as bachelor is considered a sin (or simply a family humiliation). All this time, I always hide behind my older brother's status. Now (or soon) this ultimate protection will be gone. There will be a great number of pressures coming my way, from word of mouth, satire, and a list of candidates since I have showed no intention to seriously dating someone. I'm running out of time and luck on this one. Well, it's time to count my options now.

Blood's Thicker Than Money

There goes my last year's saving. At least I spend it on the right track (I think). I learn to free myself from money addiction, even when I earned them honestly, working my ass upside down. I always have my dream to use it, but never mind. I can get it back, I hope.

The Moment of Truth (?)

Well, my week has been lousy. I can't finish any tasks, keep on hitting the wall. There is this girl who keeps on messaging me (on the cell), enough to bug my lonely and alienated life. My mother seems to cool down about my job switching business, but I'd like to keep my option open. And tonight we will face the ultimate challenge, I still don't know what the agenda. My boss only told me it's about the international opportunity for us. However, it's not in my specialty (Do I have one?), and I still have a lot to learn in this. As a result of my continuous failure to fulfill my past assignments (according to boss), I keep on bouncing from one job to another, from one department to another, sometimes doing parallel jobs that very much different. It's a (very) small company after all, and maybe will remain that way.

Is It Time to Move on?

Since my college year, especially when I lost my faith in the institution and got expelled, I never had any plan for my future. I knew then, my future would be shady and completely abnormal. I mean, I had no degree, no girlfriend, no interest in my major, and no steady job. I was forced to finish my study and got my degree, which I finally did. After graduation, I was told to go to Jakarta because my brother-in-law was planned to go abroad and I had to watch my sister's family, and look for a job along. It took me six months to get my first job. After a year, I was fired unexpectedly. I once thought to go home, but there was this flood blocked my way home, so I waited. I got my present job a year ago and it came along pretty well. Just last week, at a family meeting back home, I was told to go home for good. As for my job, there is one cousin-in-law who opened a small IT company and I can join him anytime. The problem is I begin to like to live here, though my job is always a pain in the ass. I always feel more stressed by my extended family than by my boss. At least I don't have to live with my boss for the rest of my life.

I Will (Learn to) Survive

Just move in to the new office, and the internet has been connected, finally. With two weeks of process, and the slack time of internet availability, they certainly put a stack of ongoing jobs. It's not helping that we are not always be full-team on site. Our boss constantly traveling, me and my colleagues also occasionally go to client, and one client is too much for a day. So, the office is pretty much vacant these days. Unfortunately, there is no space left after all. Once again, I was told that our client don't approve me to train them. What can I say, as I'm in no position to complain. It's so easy to be misunderstood, taken by face value, as books judged by its cover. I don't mind, it's part of the learning, the painful ones indeed. As the job stacked in my shoulder higher and higher, still figured the way to finish them. Well, it's time to listen to what my man Le Bon said, "...And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive..."

A Very Long Weekend

Three days holiday was proven too much, especially when you're left home alone. If you're left with Satellite TV and internet, it would be heaven. But no internet this time, although possible. I promised my sister not to raise her phone bill significantly, so I don't use the home phone at all. But the satellite TV is there, and deservedly so. Plus, a stack of newly purchased DVDs waiting to be watched. So, last weekend was a nonstop movie watching experience, switching from satellite to DVD simultaneously. Sadly, not enough logistics supply and I was too lazy to get it. And a couple discs just couldn't play accordingly (what can you expect from street-quality DVD). Yesterday, the rain fell heavily and flooded the street (not the house luckily) and complete the weekend experience.

It's a Hard Life

Today I witness a struggle for survival. Imagine you're in the front of a fire squad, fully loaded, aiming at you. Well, it's not me, thank god, to face it. And there was me, on the corner, speechless, feel like a loser (I already am). Well, I'm just an old man in a youth world, two steps behind others. So, one more insult couldn't hurt me more than what I become.

One Year Anniversary

Well, it's been one year since I've been working in this office. Some say time fly by when you're enjoying yourself. Well, it may be true, but surely doesn't apply here. Everyday is a winding road. However, it also makes you respect your good moments more. Once upon a time, there was a priest and a bus driver die, and face the gate of heaven and hell. The guarding angel ask, "Who are you?". The priest answers, "I'm a priest of this church" and the bus driver answers, "I'm a bus driver. I drive Metro Mini for a work". The angel then say, "Well priest, you go down there to hell and you my bus driver fellow go up there to heaven". The priest protests,"How can it be, I preach every week to guide people to the God's way". "Yeah", say the guarding angel,"But when you preach, everyone's asleep. When the bus driver drives, everyone's praying for safety and calling for God".

Life Is All About Choices

Once in a while you feel cornered and hopeless, there's always be the choice. At least there's an option to end it all right there. It is said that life is all about choices. While some people think our fate has been written in the stars and all we got to accept it no matter what. Sometimes, try to look back in your lifetime, try to remember one crucial moment. Remember the moment you make a decision, an important one. Is it really because we had no other choice, or simply because we failed to recognize the other options? It is also said that there's four things that has been destined: birth, death, fortune, and mate. Birth and death are unquestionably destined, but what about fortune and mate, are they just fall from the stars? Those are things worth fighting for, and even if our fate is written in the stars, there are many ways to reach it, and once again, choices.

Everything Happens for a Reason (is it?)

Well, if you consider your life is just a series of coincidence, that you have been guided to a certain path, met certain people as your friends, and all the ups and downs are all written in the stars. Still, life is no Truman Show (yes, the movie), we must not take life as granted, and every decision we made has the consequence. And yet, in a certain point of your life, you look back and see a big picture of the your fate and find a pattern in it. We can just say, everything happens for a reason, the goods and bads, the ups and downs, the people you meet, you love, and hate (or hates you). For me, as I see my life as a series of unfortunate events (not the movie or the book this time), I still can believe in that. Right now, I still can't see the big picture yet, but I hope I get to see it in the future.

Too Much Blogs Will Kill You...

If you don't update it periodically. Blogging is not really my addiction. The real obsession is making websites, my own websites where everybody can access it. Since I'm no rockstar, businessman, or even anybody, all I can provide is anything I can provide, my personal data, writings, babblings, anything at all. My first website, however, was Lawnosta, a website about a radio show I hosted with my friends at my campus radio back in 1999. Through many incarnations, the site is alive and well-formed by now. My personal website debuted a year later as I started working at an internet cafe. In 2002, this blog started as my first blog (and I don't even know what blog was), I treated it as an online diary, though I can't update it frequently because lack of proper internet access. As of 2004, when I was back at work (with proper internet access), I'm back to my old habit, making more websites, and more blogs, since it's mostly free and easy to have (as free e-mail). Now it's nearly a dozen, and still, I find it exciting. Planet IIP aggregates all the blogs for a quick lookout.

Counting the Days

One year ago, I was fired form my job, unexpectedly (well, who does?). The notice was just three days away from the end of the month. Actually, I was hired by two companies and both companies just let me go and throw each other responsibilities for proper treatment. No compensation, no regret, nothing. Now, I'm faced with a similar situation. Almost a year passed in my new job, still I can't get settled. I came here because I need a job, nothing more. No idealism, no ambition, I gave up all that a long time ago. I just lived my life today, never thinking about the future. Still, I don't want to feel trapped in a situation where I cannot choose, because life is all about choice after all. There's still time to consider my options. Just counting the days ahead...

Overloaded...

It's rush hour...no time to rest Well, it's been (almost) three months in a row...in a rush already. Work late? checked. Weekend work? checked. Too much to handle? checked. Delayed schedule? checked. And in the end, the relieve is not enough, not much left anyway. What's left is all that your body and mind can hold. I wish I could look back in this time and say, I did it well, not just I did the best I could.