The Path

Sometimes you'd feel completely lost. Everything goes wrong, as if there's no tomorrow and future. You keep on asking, "What's my destiny?" Everything you've done is useless. At that time, you're on the bottom of the barrel, completely helpless. And then, suddenly, one voice whispers, the voice that you ignore all this time. "Just follow the path", the voice says. But you never noticed any path ahead. Again, the voice asked you to follow your path. Something comes inside you, get you start to walk. All of a sudden, you cannot stop walking, until now. You finally realize that the path is there, inside your heart, no one can take that away from you. You just have to walk it. The question is, when and how fast can you walk the path.

Another Crossroad

Yes, my life has taken another course. I have been accepted to the postgraduate program in Gadjah Mada University yesterday. By the end of the month I must attend the first class. The program will be held in 12 months (4 trimester) in Djokja, Bandung, and Karlsruhe (Germany). So, it's gonna be hell of the days, racing with time. I don't know where this road will take me, I just try to follow my path, keep on track.

Things Could Only Get Worse

At least from my father's perspective. Ten years in stroke, all the pain and numb condition just getting worse each day. The only organ left normal is his left hand. The head is half numb, the right hand and both feet are stiffed. God knows what makes my father scream frantically every night, making my mother sleepless and more helpless. Wish I could help them, but I can't. Everything we've done for his medication are useless, and yet life and death are in God's hand. The only thing I know is, we, at least I, have given up hope for cure or at least a good sign of healing. As long as it goes, the burden will be ours, alone, forever. Last year, my father still could pass the fast month, right through the eid proceeding. This year, it's all gone. Wondering if there's still another fast month and eid mubarak for him.

No Guarantee

One thing I learn from my life so far is that there's no guarantee in life. No guarantee that every man get what they deserve. No guarantee that one good turn deserves another. Even we can't claim paradise though we do all the good things in our entire life. When you work as hard as you can, as honest as you can, there's no guarantee you'd not be fired the next day, just like that. And we still think that life is fair, think again!

On Every Corner of the Street...

Life always surprises you. Just the other week, my father get an operation (prostate) after visiting my sister's home to celebrate my nephew and niece's birthday party. Three years ago, he got another stroke after the visit, when I got my first job. Ten years ago, he got the first stroke after talking about my cousin's wedding. You'll never guess how pain is so close to pleasure. My friend in Bandung just offered me a job last week, and today I receive a scholarship invitation from my alma mater, Gadjah Mada University, either to Bandung or Germany. I have to go through the test of course, but still it surprises me much, especially when I am in the busiest moment of my work. And in this fast month, how can there be so much things to do and so little time left?

Freedom

What can we say about freedom? Is it about the way we get it, the way we make the most of it. Can we enjoy our freedom without taking other people's freedom? Is freedom our goal or just a device to reach our one and true destiny? Is freedom really worth fighting for? After all, freedom is in our heart and mind. we breathe and live each day and think freely. Nobody can take that away.

You'll Never Know

Just the other day, my younger brother told me that his scholarship application to Japan has been approved. Not so long ago, my elder brother finally would tie the knot with his (latest) girlfriend. No fixed date yet, but it is very likely around October, after eid (my previous post). As my parents rebuild our house, there's gonna be a lot of changes around. You'll never know what's waiting in the corner, what's in store for me.

The Pressure's on Me (now)

My younger brother told me yesterday that my older brother's gonna propose next fasting month, and get married after id's day. I guess it's for the best, despite the rush. He is 36, so the timing is crucial, as the 'biological' clock is ticking... Well, more family affair coming, and when this is all over, the next shooting target will be... me. As the oldest surviving bachelor of this extended family (my mother's heritage, to be specific), to live as bachelor is considered a sin (or simply a family humiliation). All this time, I always hide behind my older brother's status. Now (or soon) this ultimate protection will be gone. There will be a great number of pressures coming my way, from word of mouth, satire, and a list of candidates since I have showed no intention to seriously dating someone. I'm running out of time and luck on this one. Well, it's time to count my options now.

Blood's Thicker Than Money

There goes my last year's saving. At least I spend it on the right track (I think). I learn to free myself from money addiction, even when I earned them honestly, working my ass upside down. I always have my dream to use it, but never mind. I can get it back, I hope.

The Moment of Truth (?)

Well, my week has been lousy. I can't finish any tasks, keep on hitting the wall. There is this girl who keeps on messaging me (on the cell), enough to bug my lonely and alienated life. My mother seems to cool down about my job switching business, but I'd like to keep my option open. And tonight we will face the ultimate challenge, I still don't know what the agenda. My boss only told me it's about the international opportunity for us. However, it's not in my specialty (Do I have one?), and I still have a lot to learn in this. As a result of my continuous failure to fulfill my past assignments (according to boss), I keep on bouncing from one job to another, from one department to another, sometimes doing parallel jobs that very much different. It's a (very) small company after all, and maybe will remain that way.