Saturday, October 09, 2004
Leaving Pondok Gede
I'm leaving today, my bags are packed and got my ticket already. Funny, I leave some stuff here, but I'm not sure I'm coming back soon. Guess I'll be home soon and almost for good. The last time I leave, I always sure I'm coming back, but this time I don't. I never belong to my home, I never feel belong to Semarang. I always moved from one town to another ever since I graduate from highschool. I thought I have found what I'm looking for in Bandung, but it's not, thought I did in Jogjakarta, but it's not. I still look for it here. I don't know, I have never been this frustrated all my life, even when I was dropped out of school in Bandung, when I was broke down after that, six months in Semarang. And now here I am, single, jobless, and broke. And I always did what I did when I'm stressed, go for a walk (on foot) to nowhere, which I did yesterday. I can't use my bike because it's broke down, once again, and I lost my patience to fix it. I was kind of numb, angry, and pity for myself. That's how I survived all these years. And when people start talking about money, dignity, marriage, and obligation and family honor, I started to choke, kind of suicidal tendencies. I never did anything to embarras my family, but maybe I did, so many times. And I'm tired of trusting, hoping, waiting, and even dreaming of anything concern with all oft hose things. People only believes what they see, and if not, what they think, or maybe they just take it just too easy. But still, I got to have faith, why should I?