Like Father, Like Daughter

I have never written a post in this blog for the last three years. The truth is, I feel kind of lost. After the pandemic, everything in my life resets, except my age. Time is not, maybe never, on my side. And yet, everyone around me changes, they grow up. Babies turn to children, children turn to teenager. Now, my daughter has changed the color of her uniform. I always see my daughter and my son as two branches of myself, and also their mother. They inherit some of my traits, and also my anomalies. My daughter is a quiet, sometimes extremely quiet person. Born in a very different period than their parents, it's very challenging to get to their mind. But sometimes, life surprises you when one day we find that she does some art activities such as writing diaries (also an online blog!) and drawing comics. From the outside, she never shows any attention to anything but her gadgets or her fondness of anime. She also expresses her surprise that I also wrote online blogs. Guess that nature always find its way after all. (And no, it's not a plot twist my dear)

(Almost) One Year Later

 I guess nothing would really change for me. Last year I took a new job in a company I used to work for (as hired labor, sort of).  Amazingly, all I do until now is the same old job I did for my previous company. The story is just the same as usual: long hours of work, thankless efforts, a little bit more of money, and lack of recognition. Today, while the rest of my colleagues are out there travelling, I am stuck here, staring at (mostly) empty chairs. You know, when the decision to include me in the event or not came in the dead seconds of the eleventh hour. Anyway, I feel I would be too tired to really enjoy the ride. In fact, I feel too tired to do anything this time, even a day off or two could not do much.

Old and New (Actually Sideways)

Finally, it happens, After ten years and a half (minus one year of fence hopping, another one half effectively unemployed) I step out of the door. After spending the last four months knocking at the doors, I finally get an open one, actually not far off the fence, another hopping. It's funny how I used to sit down there some times ago, how I have been asked to cross several times, and then tried to knock that same door, twice.I almost believe the door has been closed for good. But I believe it will happen eventually, if it's really meant to be. Still, it's gonna be a brand new day, maybe the last stop. Sometimes the one thing you have been looking for is actually right in front of you the whole time.

Another Year Lost

 Here comes another year, I barely noticed. Everything has changed so fast and drastic, somehow it becomes normal, a new normal so they said. Life still goes on while I have to stand still, even pushed backward. I still can't believe that everything that happened these past two years, and somehow I'm still here, barely survived. I have lost my job, friends, family members, self esteem, and dignity, or what's left of it. Maybe enough to prepare me for another lost year. Nothing will surprise me from now on. We are all just waiting in line after all... ( and life is just another drinking session, it is said)

No End in Sight (Yet)

So here we are again, back to square one. Death is no longer invisible, staring right at your eyes. We all know it's inevitable, that it will come, we just never guess how close. When your breath feels hard, no smell can be found, count back the days you have spent. Close your eyes and think about the blessings all the way back, and take a deep breath as if it's your last one. Breathe, just breathe. Maybe you'll see tomorrow as the greatest day of your life. Live it one day at a time, because the end is nowhere in sight, yet.

What Have I Done to Deserve This?

 Nothing, really. In fact, I have done more than I should, sacrifice more than I could. And then, our of the blue, the winter is coming. No precautions, no warning signs, just the calm before the storm. I can take it, but maybe, the others can't, and deservedly so. Nowadays, loyalty means laziness, unwillingness to change, or rejection to move from one's comfort zone. Ever hear of an old saying that a captain never leaves the sinking ship? We make mistakes by assuming that we all are the captain of the ship. All this time we are trapped inside this bubble, while our ship is sinking, right into the ocean's bottom. Whether the ocean is red or blue doesn't matter now. We still hope the bubble will eventually floats, instead it cracks and blow suddenly before our eyes. It's too late to try to swim back up or try to find the saving device. 

It's 20-21, or just 11-12?

 A new year, yet stay the same. No one expected 2020 to be so bleak. An outbreak with no end in sight, especially in this country, where the people safety is not the top priority. A completely wrong policy to handle the pandemi caused prolonged suffer. We become tired of limitations, while the disease spreads faster than ever. The national lockdown is not existed, local lockdowns are useless, and finally, we are left to our own devices. It' feels like a queue to the great beyond, we just wait for our turns to come, with no knowledge of where we stand. Well, at least we will get vaccination for free, right? Well, back to the queue my dear. There's no guarantee if we are going to make it. Hope time will prove me wrong.

Nine Years

 It's been nine years since my last step into the workplace. We've had some ups and downs, mostly downs these last years. At least, my work laptop can confirm it, along with the scratch and cracks on its body. This time, I celebrate it in isolation, considering the turmoil around. Going back in time, I remember having no expectation about my future, lest alone my career. And that's exactly what I get. A path that going nowhere and question marks in every turn of the track. Here's to another nine years ahead.

From a Distancing

The plague has arrived, close your house, keep your distance, put on your mask, wash your hands, and pray for the best. After the dive, it's time for a lockdown, or whatever it's called. For some of us, to stay at home is a relief, a chance to reconnect to the family, for other ones, it means a dead end, the loss of income, and a path to a bleak future. But for me, the real threat is to our humanity, our sociality, and our recognition of the vulnerability of life. We also learn about leadership, especially in a time of crisis. I've been through a number of crisis myself in the last couple of years, but not alike this time. A crisis of this magnitude keeps me thinking of whether we can get out of it, when, and what it's gonna be after. Always hope for the best, prepare for the worst, I guess.

New Year's Dive

This year starts with a tide... a tidal wave. Nonstop rain during the new year's eve finally send water inside my house. One month later, it happens again. And there goes my good night sleeps.Every time it rains, my eyes just could not close. My heart beats faster, my mind keeps counting down the rain drops, my lips pray for it not lasts. My mind writes a list of things that must be moved to keep them from drowning. Every second counts and every rain drop means agony, every look out of window for early signs of flood.

The Fountain (of Youth)

In life, seriously, only one thing is sure, that's death. Death can come suddenly, or slowly ascending through disease, or from the court of justice. Death is inevitable, but no one, or maybe most of us, don't want to face it sooner, we even discouraged to commit suicide. Some of us even treat death as another form of disease, that must be cured. We want to live forever, or as long as it can be. Even after death, we always we wonder what will happen to our soul. In (most) religions we are told about the concept of afterlife and judgment day, heaven and hell. In another religion, there is a concept of rebirth and reincarnation. Is death really the end of our existence? Or death is just another phase of life itself? Like a star that comes to extinction, turn to black hole, then supernova, blast into a big bang, and eventually give birth to a new star (or even a whole new galaxy). Can we finally conquer our fear of death (and our sadness of our beloved one's death) by embracing it?

Rare, or Medium Rare?

It’s rare that you see men making the “choice” to scale back their ambitions and radically decrease their earnings so that they can be home with their kids;

 There's a saying that behind every big man there's an even bigger woman, usually his wife. From another angle, for a successful woman, do we ever place the importance of a man behind? Or we just assumed that they did it on their own? To make it more extreme, do we label the man behind a successful woman a loser because they didn't take their chance? Well, sometimes those men are also successful, even more successful than their spouse, just not as famous. When we make a commitment to start a family, and have kids, how do we position ourselves, share the responsibilities, and arrange our priorities? According to the quote above, you can become "rare" if you put your family before your job, but of course it can jeopardise your career (if you have one). It just took a misstep to get you "burned" to medium rare...

Taken for Granted

Are you working everyday to earn a good living, fulfill your passions and dreams, or just a routine to kill some times, maybe? If you work in an organization, of any size, do you just complete your tasks or do something more, like even help with your coworker's tasks? What do you feel about your workplace, your organization, do you feel recognized for your extra efforts and accordingly compensated or even accounted for? How do we recognized the good deeds we receive everyday or everytime, did a simple thank you or thank God is sufficient?. And why do I even bother asking these rambling questions?. It won't even make me feel better about myself, busting my ass off for a thankless job for years, a passionate job after all. When our priorities changed drastically, we keep on questioning ourselves if it's still worth the price. Alone at night when everyone's home, staring at the screen and punching more keys to save the day and the day after, for tomorrow is already arrived. It's just an ordinary day after all.

Back to Ordinary World

This year has been tough for us. Endless overtime, continous broken promises, and temporary shortage of lifelines plus a stockpile of debt. After what happened two years ago, I always thought the worst is over, but who knows what was just waiting on the corner. You would think two weeks with nothing to do or one month salary due is bad, imagine twice as bad, and you have a family. Looking back now, it's quite amazing, extremely lucky to be able to get out of the situation in one piece. Of course, we still clean up the wreckage. Hopefully, the worst is really over this time. One can only hope and pray for the best, and always learn to survive.

(We Are) Spirits in the Material World

Eid has passed, another procession of homecoming (sort of), family gathering, and the travel within. An annual pilgrimage that started with a thrilling hunt for transportation apparatus, back and forth. The logistical supply management came along eventually. When the deadline approach, the tension got higher, and the stakes got bigger. Finally, we make it through, complete with hectic journey and temporarily missing child. When the big day came, another journey in the heat to attend two family gatheering simultaneously. Just another routine, but surprisingly this year, these moments are a little bit interesting, even my wife thought so. When the themes for both occasions are completely opposite, talking about entrepeneurship and civil service as a life choice. Entrepeneurship, as in the jargon "Become your own employer" and "It's better to be a big fish in a small pond". Contrarily, the civil service is about the peace of mind and respectability of others. To complete the polarization, we have the third family gathering to balance them, to place spirituality vis-a-vis materiality. You cannot be more lucky (or confused) than that.

Immortality

My former boss died the other day, of stroke. He's just five months younger than me. When it's true that someone's death make us think about ours to come, nothing beats the death of someone close to us. Ironically, I've been ut of touch with him for about ten years, apart from social media interaction, which also rarely. I know that he seems didn't care much about his health. IT people typical, he works without limits, eat what he likes, and no (or minimum) workout. Knowing his death cause is the same as my father is still shocking though. And I still don't take the "explanation" that some curse causes it, no matter what the online noises said these days. He was a hardworking, no-nonsense type of guy. If we get the jargon "No Action, Talk Only" or "NATO" , for him it's "Big Talk, Hard Work". He always talk what he wants, spontaneously, straight to the point no second thought. Unfortunately, the social media heat lately has become poisonous and deceiving. As though we are forced to take sides, two extreme ones. Sadly, a couple years ago, a fellow programmer had an accident, got paralyzed, and eventually died. There were some coverage on the news, a couple of online website wrote his story sympathetically. Today, when he died, only a single coverage from online news website. The rest is followups to the curse and bullying, even sounds like a celebration of his death. This is a guy that works for his country, educating youth to create new IT developers, from any background. No mean of disrespect, but the late programmer I mention above was nothing compare to him, even when they both are good friends. And people will only remember his "blasphemy" and "curse" that lead to his sickness and eventual death.

Insipid (Dreams)

I watched a new "cartoon" with my daughter recently, only to realize that the film is too mature for her. Well, everything is too mature for a two years old girl, I think, The movie itself is quite funny, full of self-referenced joke (pun), such as this one: "Life isn't some cartoon musical where you sing a little song and your insipid dreams magically come true. So, let it go!". Everyone that's not sleeping away for the past three years must surely know where the reference come from. After the laughter and thrill is gone, somehow the words linger on. For your information, insipid means tasteless, lack of character or definition, or too sweet or sentimental. I guess it makes a great blog title, this blog especially. On the other hand, that quote give a good message: everything in life is not a given, you have to fight for it. Any two year old girl is mature enough for a message like that.

Life Begins at 40, The Game Ends at 41

(The card game, obviously). You know that when all the cards are revealed, it's all over. We live each day, suffling all our cards, take it in turn, hope to find the right one to keep. We already chose to collect a specific kind of card before. We wait and wonder if the next card will be the one to keep or even can finish the game. And then what? We all know the end of the road, the path to eternity that awaits. I dreamt about my mother last night, as if she never gone away. Funny how I never consider that to be such a big deal anyway. After four years, it seems that the gaps she left will never be filled. Finally, what if everyone collects the same set of cards? Did we really play the same game, the same rules, and the same deck?

Where Life Begins and Dreams End

It is said that life began at forty, and that's what keeps me wondering. Is it because we simply old enough to enjoy life, or we just become too old to chase our dreams, surrender to accept reality, in other words, the end of idealism and the start of pragmatism? When we wake up every morning and see our family begin the day, all the routines. We talk to our spouse about the future, and finally realize that no matter how hard we tried, it will never be good enough. When our children show their energy and compassion to learn and chase their dreams, would it be the sign to make our sacrifice? Of course, it doesn't always begin at forty. Maybe, forty seconds from now, who knows?.

25 or 6 to 40

Along the way, I saw many faces come and go, sometimes it's for good. You'd always get used to it eventually. And now is the time for some countdown...(Europe song in the background). Coincidentally or not, I found some inspirations to start writing articles for my blogs this week. Some treat for my reader (not readers, I know) and my sanity. This blog is almost 13 years old, bad luck eh? I just need to look at my very first post in this blog to see how far I come in English skill writing, not much I'm afraid.