Back to the Corner

I'm out of passion, even for surviving this so-called joint program. Time is running out, alol my friends are progressing, leaving me behind on the platform. Well, it's time for natural selection. My kind of species is destined to extinct, back in the 20th century. I can't seem to think in the same language again. Once again, I'm caught in this devil's circle, never seem to know the edge. This past six months have sent me back to the corner, just watching as the world goes by. Have I taken the wrong choice to be here, try to fool myself in the academic world while my mind is always in the practical world, the real world. Is it time to retreat and surrender, like I used to? Why the hell am I hiding my complaint here, in a foreign language, so that no one really cares about? Who am I kidding?

Byproducts or Scraps?

When a selection process is done, or in this case synonymous with layoffs, what should the rest of the candidates called? If they go on doing something other than what the main purpose was, they can be called 'byproducts', whereas the selected ones are the main products. Byproducts are the side products that comes from outside the main process, commonly have lower values than the main ones. Of course, less attention paid to byproducts, as they are not the highlight of the company, only considered as the higher status of salvage, a valuable trash. At least, byproducts are still considered as part of the process and outcomes. When the losing candidates are neglected and given no treatment, then it becomes scraps (or simply garbage), that must be disposed. Scraps may still be valuable, however commonly can be considered worthless, at least in the eye of the company's stockholders. Scraps are annoying and ruining the main portfolios (products), especially when they keep complaining about lack of efforts and financing spent to take care of them, even when the budget has already been allocated for them in the beginning. When the main process changes its procedure in the middle, reducing the output because of increasing in cost and rejection of market and lack of coordination between shareholders (or supposed-to-be-shareholder), should the rest of materials considered scraps? Especially when the materials are humans being, rationally-sane individuals? Are they byproducts or scraps?

The Warnetman Strikes Back

It's been a while since my warnet days back in 1999 until 2001. As consumer, I use warnet regularly until graduating from UGM in 2004. After that, I access internet either from home or office. When I get back to campus to take my postgraduate study, the hotspot is already all around. Even at home, I can access our neighbor campus' hotspot occasionally. Until the other day, my brother's friend asked me to set up his new warnet (internet cafe) at his home. I never set up an internet cafe router (gateway) before, so it's a surprise that the work can be done in just under ten minutes using IP Forward and IP Tables. Next is setting firewall, and until now I still cannot manage to do it properly, at least for HTTPS exception. The bandwidth management came next, easily done using HTB. This week, I will do proxy using squid.

The King of Upstairs

These weeks have been such a lonely one. My older brother left for Riau yesterday for two weeks. My sister-in-law and my one-week-old-yet-unnamed niece came home for about one week now. My parents is downstairs, our maid does not stay inhouse. That leaves me alone for weekdays (my younger brother only visits every weekend), to be the king of upstairs. It also bounds me to stay put, because my father is extremely ill and cannot be left alone. Maybe that what keeps me away from the world, from my study, and my dream of going abroad. I have to stay home, at least for a while.

When All Is Said and Done...

First, they promised all of us full scholarship to study in three universities in three cities, one of them is abroad. Suddenly, only a fraction of us who can go abroad, but they still promised the rest would go abroad too, but not to study. Then, they hold out our scholarship for the rest of us. Now, we are not guaranteed to go abroad at all, because we must find the way ourselves (like we ever go before). Not enough of it, they say if we don't (or won't) go abroad, we must pay our scholarship back. Do we ever speak the same language all this time?

All I Need Is a Miracle...

Just to finish this goddamn programme! We are urged to graduate in May, which means we get only three months left. At the same time, we supposed to find our way to German, by ourselves! Well, our headmaster must be out of his mind. If they can't get us through, how can they depend on us instead? Not to mention the financial is getting tighter, there's no guarantee we can collect our last paychecks, after they cut the periods by two months. Are we supposed to feel lucky here?

Drifting Apart: Mind Your Own Business!

Start as 20-men (and women) trooper, with high hopes of some "dream team" or
"supergroup", yes it's always short-lived. When the hype is over, turns
out that the management is just another "mismanagement" and the
ambitious project is dead before taking off. Now, we are miles apart,
Jogja, Bandung, Karlsruhe, with our own business, just not enough time
for each other. The management is now less enthusiastic, keep
pressuring the rest of us. The crisis is here, the budget is tight, so
we are the victims, the lowest part of the food chain. Now, I can't
care much of it either. I'm too old for this shit. I'm not even a
leader, just an poor old lonesome internet addict.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This...

It seems like German is just another dream. The scholarship we get is getting stricter, no money will come out automatically. When my motivation is waning, all we get is more and more bad news. The living cost will be linked to the theses progress. Guess they never know anything about capital cost. Our journey abroad is cut from three to two months, talking about justice. We officially become second-class citizen on this program. While some of our colleagues get 20 months period and full scholarship, we get 18 months, not-so-full scholarship, and only 2 months abroad. I have a bad feeling about this. Just when I failed to pass the big 5 pageant, I got a feeling that the rest of us would never get abroad after all. And it's all because this program and the management just suck, big time.

Free Falling

Have you ever think your life was nothing more than a complete failure? I see failure as something we don't see appropriate. But then, appropriate is relative. Of course, my life has been a complete mess ever since the new millennium, no second opinion. The way I see it, there was some episodes in my life connecting to another part, that my failures lead to (some) success in the past. But nothing was more amazed me than what I have been through last year. Just when you think you're back to the right path, you've suddenly brought up from miseries, they drop you just like that, from the height. Does that sound hurting? Your bones should be crushing to dust. I've been through many failures and misfits, one more could not kill me. But still, this one's different. I hope, sometimes in the future I could look back and see this as just another part of my life, or at least the way it should be. So, call me suicidal if I don't give a damn about the rest of this journey. I'll just try to shallow my pride, if there's any left.

Can You Really Plan Your Life?

Honestly... Can someone really plan their life in details, when to finish school, where to work, who's gonna be the sibling, how many kids to have, when to retire, and finally when they gonna die? Sounds ridiculous? Well, some of us think we should have one, or even MUST. I used to think the same way, but looking back now, I can see that my life has been planned by somebody else. Or should I say SOMEBODY up there? Nothing in my life went the way I planned, entirely the opposite way. It is still too early to conclude whether it's just the way it should be, or I just have a fucked-up fate. The wise men always say, just do your best to execute your plan, but in the end it's always something wrong. And I couldn't agree more than that. The way I see it, I want to take care of my own fate, as I am too old to screw it worse than I already have.