Working at the Weekend

For this couple of months, I got used to work at Saturdays. Just today, for the first time in my life I have to work at Sunday. Yeah, a full week of work. Luckily, today is also the Free Busway Ride Day, in which for one full day we can ride through all the TransJakarta Busway corridors for free. I guess it's easier to bear as a bachelor, compares to the married ones. Even then, my nephews protested when I set to go for work today. Not to mention that their mother, my sister, is out of town since Friday. Well, bad timing I guess.

Do You Believe in Shame?

Or Is it? What if you'd try your best, but we all know that is never good enough for everyone. I've screwed up, hard, all my life. I'd even given up trying to live normally, and stop making plans. Sometimes I think that's the only way I can get through, alive and breathing at this moment. How do you feel when one of these days somenone told you that you're responsible for your beloved one's life? That all you've done is nothing but shame in their eyes? And all that you can do is write this stupid post in this pathetic blog, in English, so that not everyone you know can read it. What that makes you? Don't you ever know yourself pretty well? Maybe I should see a shrink now, or even send me to a madhouse, because nothing makes sense anymore, at least to me. I just cannot live someone else's dream anymore, I'm too old and tired.

12 (When the Days Are Numbered)

What's the difference between 12 years and 12 months? It's blatantly obvious some might say. What if someone told you (or someone close to you) that you can not last any longer, your days are numbered, and there's nothing in anyone of this world's power to prevent it? And that someone happens to be a doctor, a competent one actually, not a psychic, oracle, or a supernatural mumbo-jumbo. I once heard a song that said:" It's easier to leave than to be left behind". and damn right it is. I have many things in life to be regretted, but I have to move on. I have learned the hard way that sometimes life cannot be planned, especially when it concerns someone else, and you just have to accept it. In fact, I've already stopped making plans, for a while now. It turn out that whether you planned it, or just take it for granted, life always surprises you. Nobody lives forever, so everyone might as well take a seat and just enjoy the ride.

Bad Blood

Some people says that among siblings, there always be one "bad blood" or in the simplest term, loser. There can be only one (not in highlander term) that cannot follow others successes. Sometimes, the loser one gets the worst fate, either become a lifetime bachelor or got divorced (many times), never seem to settle down (changing jobs often with low income), caught in bad debt (and chased by many cruel debt collectors), get very sick or insane, or even becomes a criminal and get in jail. Well, it may be true or not necessarily a golden rule, but in the family with more than two children, something like this may be unavoidable because the children did not get equal treatment or attention from the parents. I cannot imagine if this happen to a smaller family of one or two children, one bad blood is too much. Of course, no one wants it, we always hope for the best to happen, so take this with a grain of salt, or just ignore it completely.

A Million Rupiahs Fish

For real. Earlier this week, I got a phone call from an old friend offering me a job. Being a helpless, dropped-out-once-again-from-college, and completely broke, the most undesirable bachelor as myself, how can I say no? So I packed my bags and went back to Jakarta, back to old habits. My first weekend gave me a big surprise when I (and my sister's family) realized that we just ate the most spectacular dish on our lunch. It was a fish, cooked half in sweet and sour sauce, and half steamed, quite delicious actually. But the unforgettable factor was the price. The fish was valued by its weight, I don't know the rate, but the total price is about one million rupiahs, yes you read it correctly. And now the meal sticks in my stomach like a stamp. Fishes never taste the same since.

My Brother's Engaged

After my older brother tied the knot, now my younger one got engaged. Last weekend, I have to go on a road trip from Semarang to Malang as "cargo" service carrying all the stuff for the occasion. Accompanied by two drivers, the trip takes about 10 hours with all the breaks, either deliberate (toilet, eat) or not (traffic jam). While the two drivers can take shift, I forced myself to stay awake during the whole trip. Wondering what my eyes look like now, inside I'm feeling like a zombie. Eventually, some eyes keep looking at me as some kind of pariah, single, broke, and jobless. A waste of society if you may say. Then, they start talking to my mother, brothers, and sister right behind my back (literally). They just can't stop it, don't they?. I don't have to be reminded about all the things they said, I've been there before, just all of my life actually.

That's It, Folks

I'm outta here. They finally expel me. After two years of torturing each other, they finally made up their mind about us. The reason is that our time is up... last year (apparently). The thing is, we never know for sure how much time we got. Hey, my brother finished his master degree longer than me, of course he paid the tuition himself. Well, no use to regret it now. I guess I have accomplished my goal when I saw my name near the top of that list three years ago. The rest of the dream has vanished when they announced that we would not getting that multiple autographs on the diploma. Funny how luck can change in the matter of months. I got my holiday abroad and now I wonder if I have to pay it back now. Time to flee...

The Comeback of My 5050

Of course I'm referring to my laptop, Acer Aspire 5050, which has accompanied me for the past four years. Last month, it died suddenly and wouldn't power up. After I checked it at the local repair store, it turned out to be a motherboard short-circuit. The repair went a little longer because of the computer expo that made the repair store closed for 5 days. Luckily, the laptop is now full operational, but one feature is gone: the touchpad. It seemed that the damage has forced a trade-off between the touchpad and the rest of the system. Well, that's not even a choice to make. I got myself busy installing new hard drive and configuring triple boot operating system and now the 5050 is back in business!

Living in a Hospital

That's where I was for the past three weeks. My mother got tumor and have to go under the knife. As the only "idle" and "available" child, I must step up to stay with her in the hospital. Just two years ago I lost my father, I just cannot afford to lose my mother this time. The visitors were flowing like water, feels like eid.All the way into the first week of Ramadan (fasting), and my defense went down. I got the flu. Well, at least the crisis has passed.

Over My Shoulder (Looking Back)

Going to a reunion has never been a pleasure for me. I missed two past high school reunions on purpose. In this  age, with no job, no family, no...thing to be proud of, I find it hard to tell stories to my old friends. Luckily, I've known to be the silent one in school, if not the mute. So, against all expectation, I got to this reunion last week. Well, it turned out to be decent, not as disastrous as I imagine. Many times I just sat there, accompanied with my old friends, playing catch-up from the last time. And all I did was just listening to their chatter, and to tell them as little as I want, at least I've nothing to hide. It's good to hang out again with them, to remember the good old days (well, looking back now, the old days must be that good!). I just realized two things: my life may be not that miserable (comparing to them, but again, different standards apply) and how far I have walked away from that days when we were together. Twenty years, how can you imagine that?